There is a hollow in the pit of my stomach and a dull ache in my heart today, when I think of you my child and at my stillborn attempt at becoming a mother.
People say it is time I was healed and had mended my broken heart, but the scars are still raw and bleeding. People say I have mourned enough and that it was time to let go. I want to believe them but my tears speak a different story. Can grief have an expiration date? I ask them.
I long to hold you in my arms and look into your eyes as you look up at me in wonderment.I want to caress your soft skin and smell that baby smell, which is a part of me.
I want to wipe your tears away and hold you tight so that you feel safe and loved. I want to hear your sweet giggles and the pitter patter of your tiny feet as walk in your squeaky shoes. I want to hear the chimes of your sweet, innocent voice.
I want to experience the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers and the strength with which you hold my thumb in your tiny fingers, giving me courage to become a mother.
I want to feel your wet kisses on my cheeks and sticky fingers on my clothes. I want to stub my toe on the toys littered on the floor in your room. I want to meet your friends and call them over for sandwiches and milkshakes on long Summer days.
I want to measure your height every year and mark it on a wall to see how tall you have grown.I want to scold you when you don't do your chores and give you time outs when you behave badly.
I want to experience the pride when your teacher praises you. I want to come to your annual day function at school and clap the loudest, when you perform in the school play or cheer for you when you are in a race on sports day in school.
I want to teach you how to ride a bicycle and buy you the bike you always wanted, when you start college. I want to have endless arguments with you when you rebel in your teenage years.
I want to know how it feels when you get your first job and take me out for a treat from your first salary.
I want to feel, how it is to be a mother. I want to know, how it is to be a mother.
On day's like today, I remember of that empty space in my heart that belongs to you. I am reminded that I will never get a Mother's day card or a call wishing me 'Happy Mother's day'.
On day's like today, I have that dull ache in my heart that refuses to go away.