Sunday, 12 May 2013

A Dull Ache in my Heart

There is a hollow in the pit of my stomach and a dull ache in my heart today, when I think of you my child and at my stillborn attempt at becoming a mother.

People say it is time I was healed and had mended my broken heart, but the scars are still raw and bleeding. People say I have mourned enough and that it was time to let go. I want to believe them but my tears speak a different story. Can grief have an expiration date? I ask them.

I long to hold you in my arms and look into your eyes as you look up at me in wonderment.I want to caress your soft skin and smell that baby smell, which is a part of me.

I want to wipe your tears away and hold you tight so that you feel safe and loved. I want to hear your sweet giggles and the pitter patter of your tiny feet as walk in your squeaky shoes. I want to hear the chimes of your sweet, innocent voice.

I want to experience the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers and the strength with which you hold my thumb in your tiny fingers, giving me courage to become a mother.

I want to feel your wet kisses on my cheeks and sticky fingers on my clothes. I want to stub my toe on the toys littered on the floor in your room. I want to meet your friends and call them over for sandwiches and milkshakes on long Summer days.

I want to measure your height every year and mark it on a wall to see how tall you have grown.I want to  scold you when you don't do your chores and give you time outs when you behave badly.

I want to experience the pride when your teacher praises you. I want to come to your annual day function at school and clap the loudest, when you perform in the school play or cheer for you when you are in a race on sports day in school.

I want to teach you how to ride a bicycle and buy you the bike you always wanted, when you start college. I want to have endless arguments with you when you rebel in your teenage years.

I want to know how it feels when you get your first job and take me out for a treat from your first salary.
I want to feel, how it is to be a mother. I want to know, how it is to be a mother.

On day's like today, I remember of that empty space in my heart that belongs to you. I am reminded that I will never get a Mother's day card or a call wishing me 'Happy Mother's day'.
On day's like today, I have that dull ache in my heart that refuses to go away.

34 comments:

Fertility Goddess said...

Happy Mother's Day ! You made me cry - you are a wonderful mother ofcourse !

(((HUGS)))

Shilpa Garg said...

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Shikha said...

Grief doesn't have an expiration date. It doesn't matter what people tell you. That ache in there, is a strength of a different kind. *Hugs*

Rachna Srivastava Parmar said...

Hugs Vinita!

Gayatri said...

Very poignant post Vinita!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Manju...I wish I was a mother . Hugs to you...

Lazy Pineapple said...

**Hugs*** back at you...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Shikha...People sometimes say such things because they don't know how to pacify you...*Hugs*

Lazy Pineapple said...

*Hugs* Rachna...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Uma...such beautiful words. I feel you cannot kill grief..it lingers on in you.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Gayu..

Blogwati Gee said...

Dear Vini,

I heart you. And as I write this, I pray for the miracle to be delivered to you. And I know in HIS infinite goodness, the best is yet to come. Words cannot heal, but they can be the cornerstone on which you can build your dreams. I know and believe that in this lifetime you will be a mother who will do all this and more. I know and believe that there is none who deserves it more than you. And today my prayer is that sunshine finds your home and warms the corners of grieving heart. And I know HE will not fail. Hugs, prayers, blessings and wishes................straight from the soul.

bchowla said...

Happy Mothers' Day

Vidya Sury said...

Huge hugs to you, Vinita. There's no expiration date to grief. But there's lots of love that fills the space.

Corinne Rodrigues said...

I admire you inner strength to share your thoughts so openly, Vinita. Truly our writing is a way of healing too. I have nothing to offer you other than my love, respect and support, if you need me. ♥

Dagny said...

You've already been given enough advice Vinita. God's way seem cruel to us. People who have no capacity for love, no appreciation for what they have and couldn't care less if it were all taken away from them are given more than they want. While a dully aching heart is left to ache emptily.



Someday I will ask Shiva why.



Dagny

Jas said...

I don't have words that can reduce your pain. No word ever can but a really heart-aching post. Lots of wishes and prayers for you.

sangeeta khanna said...

There will be days of deep pain and abundant tears and we have to learn to live with a few such days in between. But these few days wont stop you from growing and blossoming Vinita. Hugs from a mother in almost a similar situation. XO.

Deeps said...

That brought a lump in my throat, Lazy Pineapple. I wish my words could pacify you. You're every bit a mother like any, with a heart pounding for your child. Dont know what else to say here except pass on a hug and loads of good wishes.

Take care!

Dr RoshanR said...

I wish I had the words.. I'm just sorry. The worst sorrows always happen to the nicest people. From all I've seen of you via your blogs, you are an excellent person and would be a great mom.

Smitha said...

Hugs, Vinita. Lots of hugs!

Lazy Pineapple said...

I wish it could be a Happy day for me Chowlaji...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Vidya. I agree but some people feel uncomfortable with my emotions...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Corinne. Writing is so cathartic...it actually helps to feel better after I have written about something that affects me a lot. I will gladly ask for your support dear. I know what a wonderful person you are...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks for your kind words Dagny. Life is definitely not fair...I am healing and getting better but some days you just can't push the veils of grief away.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Jas for your good wishes...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Sangeeta I agree. I am definitely at a much better place now. There are days when it is difficult to think straight but things are improving. Sorry to know that you are in the same place as me...do let me know If I can do anything to help you. Hugs

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Deepa for your kind words. Hugs and good wishes to you too ♥

Lazy Pineapple said...

awww Roshan that is so sweet...thanks for saying such nice things. Life is unfair but I have loving people in my life and that makes a lot of difference.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hugs back at you Smitha ♥

Dipika Singh said...

no words Vinita...only one giant hug.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Dipika *Hugs*

Maria said...

Hey I am
So sorry. I had no idea! Hugs n prayers my
Love. Stay strong!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hi Maria...good to see you here. No problem dear..we all have our battles. Thanks for your hugs and prayers. Do keep dropping in..it feels wonderful to connect with you.

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