|Image courtesy: www.theirintentionallife.com|
Sunday, 13 December 2015
As she clicked one selfie after another, to get the right picture, Sudha realized that the smile that she had bravely plastered in front of the camera was not reaching her eyes. Her eyes still looked sad and forlorn. The lipstick and the jewelry added a bit of color, but her eyes betrayed her sadness.
Last week, she had stood stoically in the courtroom, with her soon to be ex- husband standing next her. As the clerk shuffled the divorce papers, there was a pit in her stomach and her heart was beating erratically. Sudha's hands were numb and the conversation between them was stilted.
Sudha's gaze moved to the bindi on her forehead as she looked in the cellphone and it took her back to her wedding day. Arun and Sudha had met in Bangalore through common friends. Though they did not know each other earlier, the chance introduction turned into friendship and both were drawn to each other. Their friendship turned to attraction and both soon realized that they were in love.
Arun was older of two brothers and Sudha was an only child. Arun had lost his father when he was a child and so his maturity is what Sudha found very attractive. She found in him a self made man who could not only give her strength, but also serenity and calmness. Sudha was outgoing and bubbly with a list of friends a mile long. Their friends said that they made a great couple and Sudha believed that with all her heart.
Just like any other newly married couple, they learned what it meant to be married. Financially too they struggled in the beginning, as they had married young and had no savings of their own.The years rolled by and life settled to a routine.
Sudha remembered her wedding day as if it had happened yesterday. Even though 15 years had passed, it was clearly etched in her memory. The rituals, the mangalsutra and the kumkum that decorated her forehead was all so exciting and scary at the same time. She even remembered the way Arun looked that day.
Now, that same dot on the forehead was a reminder of what could not be. It reminded Sudha of their failed relationship, the heartache, the pain and the anger. The loss of love and respect, the betrayal of broken vows and the loneliness that the separation had brought along.
The whole journey from being married to separated and then divorced was just a year and a half long. It felt like a bad dream to Sudha and many times she thought that she will wake up and have a good laugh with Arun about her bizarre dream. On some days, while having dinner alone, Sudha remembered the days when Arun traveled frequently for work. Even when she was separated, she had kept the phone next to her, expecting a call from Arun to say good night, with a promise to talk the next morning.
The breakup of the marriage was a shock for Sudha, as she had believed that their marital issues could be worked around with help and counselling. The determination and the ferocity with which Arun decided to sever the marital ties, without trying to work on the issues was something she had never expected. Friends and family who had known both of them for nearly two decades were equally take aback. They all questioned Arun's faithfulness and hinted at him being involved with someone else, which lead to him taking such a decision. Their strained relationship came to head during a time when Sudha underwent hysterectomy and was still recuperating from the surgery. The life partner whom she had expected to hold her hand in the toughest situation of her life decided to leave her adrift, to gather the shattered pieces of her life all on her own. Family ties got severed, friends she knew for years together stopped communicating with her, and Sudha was left to grapple with the reality of the changed situation. Her family stood by her through the ups and downs, as tried to come to terms with her broken marriage. Many friends became closer and she gained a new understanding of love and friendships.
The speed with which their 17 year old relationship ended, catapulted Sudha into the unknown territory of being on her own, starting a new life and being financially independent. She learnt that life was fragile and people will come into her life to teach her something about the world and its ways. She took all the things life brought to her in a positive light, new friendships, new connections and new experiences, but she still ached for closure.
The answers that she needed, the unspoken words she wanted to say to Arun and the truth that evaded her of why something they built together was wiped off because of his decision. The story of Arun and Sudha will remain incomplete.... and she knows that life is a mystery and that some of her questions will never get answered. Their incomplete story haunts her but has pushed her to move forward, to start building relationships, to start believing in love and to dream again.
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
Fat girl and running seems to be an oxymoron and there is a possibility that people might read the title of the post again, thinking that I made a typing mistake
A fat person and running seems a combination which is difficult for most people to comprehend. Many look at me with disbelief when I tell them that I have started to run. Some have even passed snide remarks asking me if I even knew what running was and whether new potholes have appeared on the roads where I run.
Well, I being me.. left the haters gaping, when I started participating in marathons and running 5K distances. That was the best retort I could give them.
I started training late last year and have written about it in this post. Now, every time I lace up those shoes, a thrill goes through me and I am waiting for my shoes to eat up the kilometers. I don't run to lose weight, I run for fun and what fun I am having.
Every runner will know that a myriad of thoughts go through their minds while running long distances. I have my fair share of weird thoughts sometimes bordering on the bizarre. Here's what I think, not decidedly in any particular order.
- Good morning..Yayy I am running.. Happy happy.. Joy joy
- One step at a time.. Breathe in breathe out.. It's as simple as it looks
- Why didn't I start doing this when I was younger?. Duh!!
- Hey what's that line from Ice Age.. Oh got it
- "My hooves are burning, baby! They are burning! Look at this. I got to tip-toe! I got to tip-toe!"
- Whatcha looking at mister.. Never seen a fat girl run?
- Now you've seen it.. You can close your mouth now.
- Yeah.. You women.. Stop scanning me from head to toe.. Come and run with me.
- Coming through.. Make way people..
- Stop walking like it's a park.
- Dang! Stepped in poo.. Hope it's just dog poo and not something else..
- Every where I go the stink will follow.
- Is it warm?.. I am feeling hott..Maybe I should just stop,
- Cmon! don't be a sissy, just keep moving those legs.
- Whoa! Hot guy..hot guy..
- Hope I don't look as if I am having a stroke..
- Yippee another runner..am going to smile...definitely smile..
- He didn't..I must look like a complete moron.
- Hey there puppy..you are cute..wish I could stop and pet you..
- Aww I miss my dog
- Hurrah! I see another female runner...so gonna wave..and you deserve my brightest smile.
- Yeah! baby..move those legs
- Some women really don't know what bra to wear..
- Sheesh..are they supposed to look like that?
- Need to stop eating sweets..really need to..I will..I have to
- I can't breathe..I can't breathe..
- I need to lie down..like right now
- Runkeeper..you must be kidding..just 2km..it feels like 5...
- You need to stop f*****g with me..
- Why do roads have these climbs? Why? Why?
- Why can't they make them smooth and straight..
- Well I am over that climb..this feels easy..just keep breathing..just keep breathing..
- Un-clench those shoulders..don't want a shoulder pain..this feels better
- Halfway done..now just half remains..this is easy peasy.
- I know..your car has a horn..No need to blast it so loudly,
- You in that car..eat my dust.
- I am sweating like a pig..what a weird phrase?
- Do pigs really sweat?
- Should I Google that when I go home?
- Sweat is good..skin will glow..let it flow..
- Why do sports companies make clothes so small?
- I can never find my size..it's depressing..
- Hot guy is back...well do I care..I am on a roll here..
- Need to work on those arms..I have that sexy dress to fit into
- I hope my maid will come today..not in a mood to do the dishes.
- Why did I ever start running?
- I feel I have been running for an eternity..I think I should just give up..
- My bum must be jiggling...
- That happens after eating too much pizza while watching reruns of "Friends".
- Hey look a new restaurant..I need to check it out..
- I deserve it..I am working out so hard.
- My running group keeps posting so many updates..it's inspiring but I also feel a wee bit jealous
- Why people keep staring at me when I run?
- Do I look weird?
- Do I care what they think?
- Hell no...tomorrow I will wear my shortest shorts and run..take that.
- Why do people think running is fun?
- Why did you think it was fun?
- You dumb moron....you fell for that
- Why do other runner's make it look so easy?
- I think my lungs are gonna explode...
- I am going to die right here.
- Who will take my body?
- Will it hurt?
- I am losing it..
- Shoo morbid thoughts..away you go
- Need to think of something positive
- Should I eat a healthy breakfast or...
- I think I will check out that restaurant
- Why not?
- After all I didn't die..need to "live in the moment".
- I think I should have been done by now.
- Runkeeper woman..why did you stop talking?
- oh! I have another Kilometer to go..
- Not too tough now..you are in rhythm.
- Go baby go..
- Hey look that runner waved at me..
- I am waving back.
- Runner's are cool people.
- That makes me cool too..yippee!!
- I think I can run a 5K easily..it's hardly any distance
- Maybe I should just sign up for a run or two..
- I am definitely doing that.
- I love Running.