Thursday, 13 December 2012

The Death of a Friendship

Friendships most times are stronger than other relationships. They are the life raft that give you home in the turbulent sea called life. As time goes by it becomes deeper and stronger and it  nurtures and sustains you. Friendships happen so easily and the best part is, it is so much to fun to make new friends.

I always had a huge circle of friends while growing up. My parents were always aghast during my birthday parties by the sheer number of people who came down to wish me. I gathered friends wherever I went, my tuition class, guitar class, computer class, school, college and even in the lane where I lived. At that time,life was a wonderful ride filled with giggles and gossip. As I grew older, many of those friends became good friends, while I lost touch with a few as they drifted away. A handful of them especially the women friends became my close friends,with whom I could spend hours, talking about anything under the Sun. These friendships grew strong for many years as each one of us finished studies, got jobs and got married. Things started to change when life became complicated because of added responsibilities and as priorities changed. I still managed to hold on to a few precious good friends. All this while, I did have short term friendships that were not strong enough to form deep bonds.

Image courtesy: FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Life moved on and the precious friendships, I had managed to hold on to, also fizzled away. Right now I am standing empty handed on the threshold with questions, doubts and mourning the death of my last good friendship. 

I know most of you can relate very well with what I have written. Each one of us have gone through this stage in life and grappled with many questions in our head about the "the death of a friendship". 

Why did it happen? Was it because of something I said or did? Why did we drift apart? Was it because of something I didn't do?

You try your best to keep it alive. Your mails to your friend go unanswered and you get to hear "I am very busy" as the excuse, which your friend throws at you. You want to pick up the phone and talk to your friend, just like old times, but you don't because you don't want your friend to feel you are needy. Even when you do get in touch, you talk like acquaintances and not like people who once ate from the same plate and who shared their innermost fears. You are left feeling that someone has stamped your forehead with a "Rejected" stamp. 

One of my favorite movies "You've got mail" has these wonderful lines which I can  relate to the "The death of my friendships".

Kathleen Kelly: [writing to "NY152"] People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened. My store is closing this week. I own a store, did I ever tell you that? It's a lovely store, and in a week it will be something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. Soon, it'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my mother has died all over again, and no one can ever make it right. 

My friendships that died are also like baby gaps, they are just a memory now and I am heartbroken too. All that is left is memories,which I need to let go of.

The loss of a friendship can be very devastating.When there is death of a friendship, especially one that is cherished and nurtured for a long time, it feels that some part of your heart died with it. You need to mourn that loss in order to move on and learn to live with that loss. 

47 comments:

Shilpa Garg said...

I can so relate to this post of yours LP! So many friendships have died over the years. And worst part is that you don't have the answers, as to why that happened! It hurts a lot but then you can't get it back. So, the best is to move on... and make new friends...

Deepa Duraisamy said...

Yet another of your posts that I can relate to word for word VK! Rightly said due to marriage and other priorities, friends do tend to drift apart. Thankfully I do still have a few really good, really close friends (I can count them on one hand) who are as close as they have always been. We may not talk for months but when we do talk to meet we can always pick up right where we left off but yes, there have also been friendships I have lost along the way. Yes, I have also had a whole bunch of short term ones but I strongly feel the friendships you forge in school or college are the ones that stay bonded over the long term, if at all. I still remember the hurt and pain I feel when I think of one of my closest friends from college and I feel so let down because no matter how much I tried to email, call or meet up, 'busy' would always come between us. Initially I would feel horrid thinking it was something I had done, but through the years I learnt that she dropped out of touch with every single friend she had been close to. But you always wonder. Everybody else has families, work and other priorities too. How busy can someone be that they don't find 10 mins in a year to email you? It hurts, I won't lie. Still does. But after years of trying, I finally decided to give up on trying this last summer. I can go right back to how we were if she were to initiate the effort, but I don't think I can suffer more heartbreak because of trying. But I fear that somehow it won't happen.

Corinne Rodrigues said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this painful phase. I went through it a few years back and wondered if there was something wrong with me. Looking back, I realize it was all a question of my faulty notion that friendships last forever - the truth is we do outgrow friends from time to time - and the sooner we realize that, the happier we'll be.

Aabha Vatsa Midha said...

Your post is very apt. Some friendships die. I think only a handful of people are lucky enough to enjoy friendlies they cherished in school and college, cos they r the most selfless and carefree ones.

After marriage with irresponsibility and shift to new cities it take a hell of a lot to keep the warmth alive.

And i have noticed that even the most balanced of persons can change due to circumstances. I took a lot of pains to trace a friend and revive our freindship. But somewhere along the way she had changed which came as an eye opener to me.. It took me a while to accept this but i have moved on.

Life is too short to embrace negativity. And yet there are some friends from school and college who will ignite the spark even if you meet after a long time.

Vinita it is best to move on. Life will offer you many more opportunities. Just let go!

Susan Deborah said...

Perhaps the closure means that that relationship's worth is complete and the purpose has been achieved. I believe that every relationship, person, event has some purpose and once the purpose has been achieved the bond dies a natural death. Maybe it was meant to be so.



Joy always,
Susan

Bikram said...

I can so relate to that , I have some very fond memories of friendship, like you i had tons of friends in college , we ere always in a big gang, and then LIFE happened .. Now we are a small group ..


Although I have made so many more new friends too over blog and all over , maybe I am blessed and god has been kind to me ..


I cant let go of the memories , those are the times which make me live now , for one day godwilling I will return back to home , to all those friends for srue ..


yes everyone has become busy .. but hopefully fingers crossed it wont diminish the friendship..




LP take care and keep smiling :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

I agree that you don't have answers and you are left wondering. I am moving on Shilpa :) this is my way of doing it...

Lazy Pineapple said...

The friendships you have while growing up always have stronger roots than ones we make later in life. The same thing happened to me and I have no clue why it happened..but life has to move on and yes there are always new friendships to form,
Many questions in my head have no answers but I am dealing with it right now by writing this post. It is time to say goodbye to such friendships and move on.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Corinne..I was going through this phase earlier..am no longer in pain. Have learnt to let go and move on. I agree friendships don't last for ever as you said...it is like a fistful of sand.The tighter you want to hold on the faster it slips away from your hand.

chattywren said...

I've come to the conclusion that at times inspite of your best efforts friendships come with an expiry date. One has to learn to let go and accept that you are not as important for that person as they are for you. I've had a few experiences of late too and it feels very bad but that's how it is. You've got mail is one of my favorite movies:)

Gyanban said...

Nice write up. Enjoyed reading.

Rachna Srivastava Parmar said...

I think all of us can relate to this, Vinita. I have lost a few along the way and have wondered what happened? Did I do something wrong? I just wish the person could have bid goodbye instead of drifting off. But that is the way life is. And, we go on, making new friends. I do still have a bunch of really good friends that I take pride and comfort in. Truly loved this post.

janu said...

Been the Vinita, felt that...so true.

Azra Fazal said...

i can so relate to this feeling. more so since i've recently been in the pangs of a couple of such breaking aways.

thanks you for putting it to words =)

Surabhi Mehrotra said...

people come and go from our life for a reason,...yes we do feel pain but then they are making room for new and may be better friendship. But the kind of friendship one has with school friend or college friends is totally different and in the end if you have 1-2 friends , you are lucky :))) I have recently gone through this when a very very close friend was super insensitive towards my huge loss. I realized that other then myself no one can be my best friend .

Deepa said...

:( You've hit the nail on the head Corinne. Atleast for me, I was always in my dream world that friendships last forever. And as Susan says here, maybe its time to accept that the relationship has done what it was meant to do, achieved its purpose.

themoonstone said...

Very true and heartfelt.there are some friendships which last for a long time and when you grow apart, it leaves a hole in your heart that nobody can fill...these would normally be the ones we would have formed when we were young..when our defences are down and our egos allow us to share our fears without inhibition..but life goes on and we realize that everything can't be the same...and in the end...all we can bank on is ourselves..

Amit said...

Sometimes people just drift away. It happens. I was also under the false notion that friendship lasts forever but most of them don't. And it is no one's fault. Priorities change, people get busy, feelings change. The best you can do is to cherish the time you have spent together and move ahead. Remember the good parts, forget the bad ones.

Found In Folsom said...

Rachna has shared this post on FB and I have come here through that link. Thank you Rachna for sharing. First time here. I was/am like you Vinita. Make friends by dozens, but then only few stay till the end, right? or even those few vanish..Every time some one drifts away, I keep telling my self, don't expect anything.. our expectation to hear from them or they reciprocating back to us gives the heart break. After reading the post and thinking, I feel am very fortunate enough to stick on to some friends through out the years..the friendships that happened in the later parts of life died sooner than the time taken to born. Having said all this, there are still times when hubby and me keep thinking where we went wrong, why are people avoiding us or friendships getting cut? :(

Lazy Pineapple said...

That expectation part is the worst. You don't want to but some part of your heart refuses to believe that a good friend has now disappeared from your life. I know exactly what you mean...
I figured from the comments that nearly all of us have this experience of losing friends...maybe even we have drifted away from a person and we have no idea that we hurt that person...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Yes, people drift away but it hurts when they don't say goodbye, when they leave your life. I guess I am midway through the healing process and will eventually get there when I will cherish the time and forget the bad parts...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Yes your school and college friendships are supposed to be one of the strongest...that seems to have not been the case with me I guess :( I believe my hubby is my best friend ...but somewhere I feel I miss close women friends in my life...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Azra..welcome to my blog. Sorry to know that you are in Pain. I hope that you get over this soon and make new friends to fill up the gap..

Lazy Pineapple said...

Yes...it is painful and I guess all of us have been there.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Rachna :) I am glad you have a bunch of really good friends :) there is nothing like good friends to help you through the ups and downs in life. I must say you are blessed..

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Gyanban

Lazy Pineapple said...

Yes I am learning it now ..chattywren..but it is a difficult process of mending and healing. I guess I am learning now after such breakups with friends..

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hey Bikram ...thanks. Memories make it harder sometimes to forget the people in your life who made a difference. The friends I made while growing up have drifted away and sometimes it is tough when you just need a friend and realise that you don't have anybody...


You guys have all been so great..I have literally poured out my heart in front of you all and everyone has been so supportive...thanks for being such good pals.

Vasudha Rao said...

Friends drifting away is indeed painful.I don't call up anyone nowadays as I feel I am laying claim to their busy schedules.This should never matter when we are friends but now times are such that all have to be so sensitive.This is the main reason that we have so many facebook friends & hardly anybody off facebook !

Lazy Pineapple said...

That is a unique way of looking at the situation. Even though the purpose has been achieved..the memories you have don't fade away easily. That is what keeps hurting...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Yes people change and friends drift away. It is a hard lesson to learn cause you always think that your friendship will last forever..especially the one you nurtured for a long time.

I am letting go everyday...this and this is my way of purging...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Deepa...what Susan says makes sense, but it takes time to let go of the people from your heart. I am not talking of each and every friend but friends who have been special in your life. It hurts when they change and drift away...

Corinne Rodrigues said...

@d5963bca2f0bf062a9a27d70366dd965:disqus perhaps it's all part of growing up. At first, I thought I had become cynical and that's something I certainly don't want to be. But now, I realize that it's just the way it is. Give all you can to a friendship, and if it doesn't work out, go on your way peacefully, is what I've learned.

Roopz said...

I know most of you can relate very well with what I have written - I am a person who gives so much of value to friendship. Thanks for sharing :)

Diana Pinto said...

visting your blog for the first time. a wonderful post and I could relate to this post so much.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Oh yes so agree..it is so difficult these days to just call up and talk to a friend cause you felt like it. You can't even do that with the friends you thought you were close to. Facebook friends are just people you knew well a long time ago. Sad state of affairs actually..

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Roopz and welcome to my blog.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Welcome to my blog Diana and glad you like the post...

Lazy Pineapple said...

@moonstone, Somehow your comment is not appearing on the blog page but I could read your comment.What you say is true..we build friendships in the hope that they will last for a lifetime...but most of these fizzle away as life moves ahead.

Rickie Khosla said...

I am sorry for the loss of your friendships. I think, perhaps thanks to social media, deep relationships are making way for shallow acquaintances. Unfortunately, there seems to be a whole generation of folks who like it that way.

Bikram said...

Oh come on , thats what friends are for .. always here :) now SMILE

Lazy Pineapple said...

I agree there is hardly any time to nurture friendships. Really? People like having only acquaintances ? these people will lead such lonely lives...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Aww sweet of you Bikram :)

Bella said...

Lady, I confess that I gave a lot more importance to friendships when I was growing up than I do now. I don't mean to gloat when I say that I was very popular in high school. However, after a while I realized that the majority of people who wanted to befriend me had an ulterior motive (most of the time, access to the "in" clique). Their friendship wasn't real and I felt used. In college, I found I connected better with men than I did with women. And today, those who I call friends are either family or acquaintances from the blogosphere. Nevertheless, I can understand how difficult it must be to go through the "death" of a friendship. I would tell you that those who don't make time for you aren't worth your time. It's their loss.Here's to 2013 bringing you a boat load of friends who are worthy of you! :)

theothersideoflife said...

I completely agree with you. But, in my case, most of the times, I end up giving up because I am too lazy. And I hate that about myself. So many friendships have died in front of me, and I did nothing about them! :(

So that makes it harder - Guilt + Death of friendship!

Anonymous said...

very true friendships die its a pain thats so bad it hurts the heart its worst if its a girl that you love and you break by mistake she says i hate you for ever. :(

Afshan Shaik said...

U have no idea hw long I got lost in thoughts after reading this Vinita..this is such a common scenario :(
I love the movie u have got a mail and loved ur post too.. not sure Y am so touched by this post..its like a flash of so many memories dancing in front of my eyes in a split second. I too have many such good friendships which ended due to silly reasons and some times due to no reason
and worst part is other thn adding FRIENDS on FB i dont kno any other better way to make friends. Even If i make I get very cautious..

Lastly Loved this post
Good day

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