Friday, 27 July 2012

Dealing with Infertility

After I wrote the post My experiments with infertility where I lay bare my soul, I received a lot of support from all you dear friends who read my blog. I would like to thank each one of you for being so kind to me in this difficult time. Your emails, messages, texts and calls have given me strength to carry on, thank you.

Many people congratulated me for being brave to have  written  about how am dealing with infertility. I believe that just like people who have a hole in their heart or suffer from diabetes, infertility is a disease and there is nothing to be ashamed of being infertile. In 2009,WHO (World Health Organisation) has defined ‘Infertility’ as a disease. This is not self inflicted and can happen to anybody. Why do then people feel ashamed of talking about it?

After reading my post, some friends felt sorry for me and others had an instant advice ‘Have you thought of adoption? ‘. This question makes be furious. Instead of asking me, how I am coping, people have been insensitive and given me their pearls of wisdom. At the moment I am dealing with the reality ‘I can never have my own child’. The wound is too raw and it will take time for it to heal before I can even think of adoption.

I am trying to come to terms with my situation and am fighting hard each day. Some days are harder and I just want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out and other days I am trying to find an answer. Every where I see, friends are having babies and some their 2nd child. I want to share their happiness but, the ache in my heart refuses to go away. I look at them with envy and anger that, I will never get to experience what they can. When I meet friends, they talk about their child’s achievement and post pictures of their paintings, artwork and music recitals on Facebook. I have nothing to share and I get that hollow feeling at the pit of my stomach.

I do want to feel happy and normal. I want to meet people who know exactly what I am talking about. I want to talk to people who are dealing with being childless and will understand that I am not going crazy and that I am grieving for a lost child. I want to be amongst people who will not judge me for feeling jealous of friends. People who will not be ashamed of talking about infertility and their own struggles of coping with it.

Unfortunately, after scouring the internet, I could not find a single support group in India for people who have struggled with infertility and are childless. Infertility affects nearly 15-20% of married couples  in India and the number is growing each day. Many of these people, like me want to approach a support group for counselling to come to terms with our situation. We need a place where we feel a sense of belonging.
ID-10058409
 To find answers and to help others along the way, I        started a group ‘AADHAR’ on Facebook. This group is not just for married couples. Anyone who wants to be a part of this group and contribute are welcome. Please spread the word and help me to make this group a success.

I am currently based out of Pune and would be interested in meeting people personally and have an informal group session. Anyone who wants to contact me, can drop me a mail at vkherdekar@gmail.com.


"Free image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net"

22 comments:

Bikramjit Mann said...

Well done on that and I hope the group materialises and does shape up well and yes helps in explaining ot those who give silly adivces . I am not sure how i missed that post.


I have seen this infertility problem take it toll on one of my very close friends, and I have seen them brave it .. Will surly ask them to join this groupl and find it on FB..

Fertility Goddess said...

I am very happy on reading this post. This is what I want- a community for infertile Indian woman who are going through hell everyday! Please let us be in touch. I have several things in my mind now. I will write to you. Regarding Asherman syndrome and treatment option-I have some idea. Will you write to me your age and the treatments you underwent? Take care!

Rohan Thomas said...

I have gone through the previous post as well but did not know what to say.. Even now I have no idea what to say.. But somehow this reminded me of something I heard sometime back.. Just sharing it.. I am a dental intern and in our college there is a charitable organisation in the college called Ashraya. We help out the poorest of the poor patients in the hospital. I was fortunate enough to work with for sometime.. Almost 10 years back a patient came to the hospital with SLE a condition where your body starts fighting the body cells only.. Each system starts failing and eventually patient will die. She did not have money to buy even food and there was nobody with her also. The students of that time did a bucket collection in the hostels, collected some money and gave her. That was the beginning. Ashraya was born. They started helping other patients as well.. I had the chance to meet this first patient around 2 years back.. One thing what she told struck with me. She is poor and there were times when she couldn't even afford food but the fact that her life was the reason for ashraya, the reason for many patients getting help is making her content with her life and she is not complaining about life..
May be it is that your wounds heal others..
All the best for your venture..

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hi Rohan, Thanks for just reading the post and sharing with me the story of how Ashraya was started. I hope my post gives people like me some hope and Aadhar the support they need..

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hi Fertility Goddess..the group Aadhar is on Facebook. Please join it and share your story. I will drop you a mail soon.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hi Bikram, Thanks for your good wishes. Please do ask your friends to join the group.

Dr Roshan R said...

All the best for Aadhar.
I am the other end of Rohan's comment. A decade ago, while I was a medical student in the same college, Ashraya started in our hostel as a means to help the poor and needy patients. The original batch all left years ago - but Ashraya remains even today helping many more.


Similarly, the concept of a support group for infertility is, in my opinion, a brilliant idea. As you said, the number is only growing and the pain which the couple has to endure is better shared than faced alone.
Even if you start it successfully, you would have set the foundation for the future - for other couples to attain solace and happiness, even though you may never get to even meet them.

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Vinita, I've often felt that people say things that make 'them' feel better rather than the person they are addressing their advice too. I guess we'll have to put it down to ignorance. I am childless too having got married at 41 - marriage just didn't happen when I wanted it to - and I know the pain of watching people with kids and the longing one feels for our own. I feel each one of us deals with our pain in a different way and you will find your own way of doing it. I applaud you for starting the group and I hope through it a lot more of us benefit. ♥

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Roshan, I hope this group really is able to help people. You can also help by spreading the word. Please share the group with your friends.
It was good of you and your hostel friends to start Ashraya..It is indeed an inspiration..

Lazy Pineapple said...

You are bang on right about it Corinne. People want to say things that make them feel better. I too understand how you feel and it is a tough place to be. I am still trying to find a way to handle this pain. Have you made peace with your pain? Thanks for your wishes and please do share your experience in the group...it will benefit others and also me...

Joyce at I TAKE OFF THE MASK said...

Sometimes people can really be insensitive and could mention words that hurt more than they could help. I guess I felt the same way when people whom I haven't met for a long time casually asks why I'm single or how many children I have now.

Lazy Pineapple said...

I agree with you Joyce that even well meaning folks can become insensitive and hurt your feelings when you are vulnerable. It really sucks :(

Rachna Srivastava Parmar said...

I wish you the best, Vinita! And, I totally agree with Corinne. We just don't know how to empathize. We are often saying things to make us feel better and end up being insensitive. I admire your spirit and feel for your pain. I had a friend too who went over some very painful fertility treatments and then had twins. I wish you luck with your group, and it does help to talk with people in the same situation. Love and hugs!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hi Rachna...thanks for your motivating and kind words. I understand that people don't know what to say when they come across someone in pain. Thanks once again for your heartfelt wishes..am glad I connected with you..hugs

Karan Agrawal said...

Hats off to your spirit and courage. I have not found anybody till date who can come in public and share and discuss own sufferings. Hope you find a solution... I am not sure what more to say... Best luck and nice initiative... it will promote people to come forward...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hey Karan..good to see you back :) Thanks for your support. Please do share this group on your FB wall so that more people can join..

lazyani said...

All the best for AADHAR. Looking forward to such a group. By the way, just to let you know that my daughter has come home last week

Lazy Pineapple said...

Hey Anirban, I am so happy for you and your wife :) good luck and my best wishes on your parenting journey. Please spread the words about Aadhar on FB.

Shilpa Garg said...

Hugs Vinita!! Wishing you loads of happiness and strength! All the very best for Aadhar! :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Shilpa. Do spread the word around and share it on your FB wall please..

Pankti Mehta said...

I can understand. My sis suffers from the same problem. She's been married for 15 years and she too has tried everything (including IVF and all other alphabets). We take it philosophically. Some things are meant to be and some are not. These things are in the hands of God. Just enjoy what life has in store for you. Best of luck!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Thanks Panki for your kind words. When I wrote this post I was angry and hurt. I am much better now.

Post a Comment