How to talk dirty, to a teenager

I know you have come here expecting some dirty talk, right? Let's get down to it then...why waste precious time.

I have previously written about this topic albeit, a bit clinically. It is time to give some personal touches now.

While growing up, I was a clueless doofus...clueless in terms of birds and bees. Most of the information I had, was provided either by books or by equally clueless friends. My first ‘X-rated' book was 'Lady Chatterley's lover' and I was rocked to my hinges after reading it. It was too much to take in, at first go. I had sneaked it off from my father's collection (I am positive, he still does not know that I have read it). 

As Indian families are, mine was also quite conservative about this topic and I gathered the information mainly from books (TV was extremely sanitized during my teenage) and never had anyone informing me of the nitty gritties of 'Sex' (There, we are already talking dirty...aren't we?). 

I had my chance of enlightening a clueless doofus...some summers ago and boy...I had a blast. It is so much fun to torture a kid when they are not your own. The experiment was performed in front of an accompanying adult (Kids Mother and of course me)

Characters in the following performance are not named to protect their privacy.

LP= Me, DM= Doofus's mother, D= Doofus

DM: D is growing up and I need to talk to him about you know.....

LP: So, what's the problem?

DM: I don't know how to start....can you help me? 

LP: Ok, why not....lets get to it.

Sometime later...

LP: Hey kid.. How’s school?

D: Boring..as usual

LP: Right...well we needed to talk to you about something important. You are just about to enter teenage and so your mom thinks three of us should have a chat about...well ummm you know Birds and Bees and the stuff they do...

D: What is there to talk about? Birds shit everywhere and bees make honey...what's the big mystery?

LP: True...I agree (and I got a glare from DM and after some vigorous throat clearing...another glare)

DM: The thing is we needed to talk to you about some education we need to give you.

LP: Kid, we need to talk to you about SEX.

D: Whoa... (And he turned a bright shade of RED)

LP: Do you know what sex is all about?

D: Ummm..Mm ('A deer caught in the headlights' look)

LP: It’s a way of expressing love....well you must know some stuff. I am sure you must know something? 


(His skin tone had been rapidly shifting and I swear I saw all colors of a Rainbow. It finally came back and settled on RED. )

DM: Remember, they showed you that film in school.... (His mother was trying to be as gentle as possible)

LP: Kid, you watch so much television. How come you don't know anything? You also surf the internet....you must have visited some sites right?

DM: Let us not talk about internet....Do you have any questions, sweetie?

My tactic was to run amok like a bull in a china shop. I knew it is better to handle uncomfortable subjects by targeting the subject with lot of information and just get it over with. They can find answers somewhere else. As it is, those blighter's are pretty resourceful.

LP: Do you know how you were born? You must at least know how you were conceived? 

D: By this time the kid was gasping for breath...

DM: I think we should take a break. 

LP: What? (The fun had just started and I was in no mood to let go...)

D: Mom, I don't feel so well...I think I am about to throw up..

LP: When people show love in a different way, I mean other than a 'peck on the cheek' stuff, that is how kids are conceived.

D: 'Swoon'...thud 

DM: Baby, are you ok? Wakeup sweetie....

LP: Hmmmpp, spoilsport...

D: After reviving, he gave me and his mother a look of disdain and said....stop it both of you...I know all about 'SEX', it seems you both need some education in 'Sex Education'. 

Sheesh...today's generation, I tell you....'NO good deed goes unpunished'

P.S: There was no intention to mislead people who came here looking for some thrill. Actually, there was bwahhhhha.