Tuesday, 9 February 2010

How to talk dirty, to a teenager

I know you have come here expecting some dirty talk, right? Let's get down to it then...why waste precious time.

I have previously written about this topic albeit, a bit clinically. It is time to give some personal touches now.

While growing up, I was a clueless doofus...clueless in terms of birds and bees. Most of the information I had, was provided either by books or by equally clueless friends. My first ‘X-rated' book was 'Lady Chatterley's lover' and I was rocked to my hinges after reading it. It was too much to take in, at first go. I had sneaked it off from my father's collection (I am positive, he still does not know that I have read it). 

As Indian families are, mine was also quite conservative about this topic and I gathered the information mainly from books (TV was extremely sanitized during my teenage) and never had anyone informing me of the nitty gritties of 'Sex' (There, we are already talking dirty...aren't we?). 

I had my chance of enlightening a clueless doofus...some summers ago and boy...I had a blast. It is so much fun to torture a kid when they are not your own. The experiment was performed in front of an accompanying adult (Kids Mother and of course me)

Characters in the following performance are not named to protect their privacy.

LP= Me, DM= Doofus's mother, D= Doofus

DM: D is growing up and I need to talk to him about you know.....

LP: So, what's the problem?

DM: I don't know how to start....can you help me? 

LP: Ok, why not....lets get to it.

Sometime later...

LP: Hey kid.. How’s school?

D: Boring..as usual

LP: Right...well we needed to talk to you about something important. You are just about to enter teenage and so your mom thinks three of us should have a chat about...well ummm you know Birds and Bees and the stuff they do...

D: What is there to talk about? Birds shit everywhere and bees make honey...what's the big mystery?

LP: True...I agree (and I got a glare from DM and after some vigorous throat clearing...another glare)

DM: The thing is we needed to talk to you about some education we need to give you.

LP: Kid, we need to talk to you about SEX.

D: Whoa... (And he turned a bright shade of RED)

LP: Do you know what sex is all about?

D: Ummm..Mm ('A deer caught in the headlights' look)

LP: It’s a way of expressing love....well you must know some stuff. I am sure you must know something? 


(His skin tone had been rapidly shifting and I swear I saw all colors of a Rainbow. It finally came back and settled on RED. )

DM: Remember, they showed you that film in school.... (His mother was trying to be as gentle as possible)

LP: Kid, you watch so much television. How come you don't know anything? You also surf the internet....you must have visited some sites right?

DM: Let us not talk about internet....Do you have any questions, sweetie?

My tactic was to run amok like a bull in a china shop. I knew it is better to handle uncomfortable subjects by targeting the subject with lot of information and just get it over with. They can find answers somewhere else. As it is, those blighter's are pretty resourceful.

LP: Do you know how you were born? You must at least know how you were conceived? 

D: By this time the kid was gasping for breath...

DM: I think we should take a break. 

LP: What? (The fun had just started and I was in no mood to let go...)

D: Mom, I don't feel so well...I think I am about to throw up..

LP: When people show love in a different way, I mean other than a 'peck on the cheek' stuff, that is how kids are conceived.

D: 'Swoon'...thud 

DM: Baby, are you ok? Wakeup sweetie....

LP: Hmmmpp, spoilsport...

D: After reviving, he gave me and his mother a look of disdain and said....stop it both of you...I know all about 'SEX', it seems you both need some education in 'Sex Education'. 

Sheesh...today's generation, I tell you....'NO good deed goes unpunished'

P.S: There was no intention to mislead people who came here looking for some thrill. Actually, there was bwahhhhha.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

...............................................................................................................

Rohan said...

............................................................................

Cynic in Wonderland said...

afriend of mine, had to resort to uhm...sq tests for me after she figured out my terrible levels of cluelessness. especially when i er..admitted that i thought oral sex was uhm..talking about sex. :D

sad but true story. think we were a clueless generation.

Quirkyloon said...

Ha! My tween would have stormed off saying, "I hate when you talk to me that way!"

Actually, he did do this. Just last night as we were watching the ever so uplifting and educational show, "The Secret Life of The American Teenager."

*yawn*

hee hee

AmitL said...

LOL..you've got to be kidding,LP..you actually tried to teach a modern teen about the birds and the bees? What I'd do is, take a copy of the following mags(Doubtless,he'd have read at least two of them already,albeit,maybe sitting on the potty)...

- FHM
- Cosmopolitan
- Stardust

Voila-a complete education,right from pics to suggestions to variations(in what...LOL..u know)...Wouldn't be surprised if he showed a letter written by him to one of them,too...ROFL.
(BTW, Debonair is nowadays considered a 'tame' mag,at least in Baroda since they went prudish and stopped the centre-spreads(Whew-what a pun)
----
I remember my first 'education'- Sam Fox displaying her,err,self,in the Australian People...was amazed,wondering how everyone fitted...errr..forget it..I'll go read with embarassment,even now,thinking what I thought then!!LOL.

AmitL said...

'read'=red while read-ing..LOL

Gyanban said...

Wonder why sex = dirty ? It is actually a wonderful thing !

Anjali said...

Funnieeeee!!! But you do know you are in big trouble don't you? ;)

karan a said...

Today's kids ar emuch more informed, smart and bold...

Lazy Pineapple said...

Cynic: Yes we sure were quite clueless...and Oral sex? really hahahha....

Quirky : The X generation sure thinks we are fools...the sex talk is still quie uncomfortable in Indian families and so it becomes a big deal actually :)

Amit: Your approach is totally what a man would do. Remember we were 2 women telling about the birds and bees so our approach had to be different.
Your way of discovery is hilarious...you should post about it :)

Gyanban: arre I never said Sex = dirty...its just my blog title....

Anjali: All things taken care of :) no trouble brewing hahaha

Karan : welcome....yes I agree todays kids are informed. I would not say our generation was not smart, its only that we did not have so avenues to satisfy our curiosity....abhi to Internet Jindabad :)

radhika said...

Wow!!Vinita, you are brave to volunteer for such a thing. Recently our four year olds were full of questions of this nature because so many of their friends are expecting siblings. It was quite an experience teaching Sex Ed to Pre Kindergarteners!! Great job with the post as usual!

sunshinesafar said...

LOL!!! Funny funny post! Poor Doofus...actually poorer Doofus's mom to have taken you!

Btw, I've just stumbled upon your blog.. i've come over from CTM, attracted by your name! Wanted to know what a lazy pineapple is! :)

Ankit said...

Hilarious :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Radhika : There was nothing brave about it...I did it purely to satisfy my devilish curiosity hehe...Thanks yaar :)

Sunshine Safar : Bhelcum....I knew it :) expecting thrills and chills :P .Go and read the 'about Me' section...and you will know what a 'Lazy Pineapple ' is.

Ankit : Thanks :)

Smitha said...

LOL! Poor kid! He must have died of embarassment :)

No wonder he reacted the way he did :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Smitha : Yeah he did as he was caught totally unawares and I kept asking him if he had any doubts...heheh

Krittika... said...

Hahaha... nice one! The first time I read your blog, and a great post to start with :)

As for sex education, I went to one of those super-progressive schools where they had sex ed classes since 5th grade... And my mom was so thankful, because it saved her from all those awkward talks! :P

The knife said...

Hi, came onto this post from Indivine. Good one. I belonged to a generation where u picked it from friends who picked it up from friends who read Nick Carter

Samadrita said...

That indeed made me go ROFL.Nice little anecdote.Btw is all of this reality or mixed with a little imagination(like the part about the doofus fainting?)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Krittika : That is so cool...I am glad schools these days are doing something about it. Thanks Dear :)

The Knife : I know.....welcome to my world. But I never had the courage to talk to friends and I still don't :) Books were my only source of Info.Thanks :)

Samadrita: Thanks :) It is mostly real except for the fainting part...I had to make it dramatic but believe me it was dramatic when it was actually happening :)

Pooja said...

hahahahah :D :D.. I just cant stop laughing.. poor kid..

thankfully i hv never had this experience.. sex edu was tackled by the school.. boys and girls seperately which dashed a lot of hopes to the ground (i mean boys :P)..

and most of those inquisitive minds came back and they had to ask, "So what did they teach you?"

Idiots!!! :D

Lazy Pineapple said...

Pooja: You guys were lucky...but sure must be embarrasing. It was definitely for us in our Biology class when all the girls used to snicker when the teacher tackled reproduction. Thanks for visiting :)

Dazediva said...

LMAO !!! hilarious !

So I'm guessing the kid had already been surfing the net; and watching A (if not X rated) movies and learning about the *ahem* birds & bees whilst you guys were giving out such words of wisdom !

When it comes down to sex; the Indian society just doesn't know quite how to explain it to their kids .. and even when they suspect it - don't bring it up !

Thanks for dropping my blog; looking forward to reading more from yours :)

Me-Me King said...

As a mom and a grandmother of tweens, I can really relate to this. I did my turn in educating my children and now it's their turn to educate their children. I just hope they don't forget.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Dazediva : Ah well he had not surfed the internet, atleast I hope so...but am sure he must have got some info from his friends :)

Me Me: Oh wow, to get a comment from you :) I am a big fan of your blog and have been lurking around :)

I am sure your grandkids are much more aware and know where to go loking for information. But getting their doubts cleared from a reliable source is a key is the important aspect.

आsHiष खेर्डेकर™ . said...

I remember the chat we had when u had just started writing a blog and my 'ideal-boy' take on Sex-Ed :P.
I even remember how i was controlling my-self from using the high-school terminology in the chat.
U are a proven devil..if u've done this to poor innocent D. :D

Lazy Pineapple said...

hahah Ashish I remember it too...and I am a devil :)

The knife said...

I still remember my childhood pal telling me about it when we were in the sixth. There was a power cut and we were hanging out downstairs. The predictable reaction was 'not my parents'

Lazy Pineapple said...

The knife: It was my reaction too...the idea seemed so gross and weird..creeped me out too.

CatLadyLarew said...

Hah! Nothing like getting down to the nitty gritty right away... best way to ensure abstinence! Embarrass the hell out of em!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Catlady: heheh yeah....rather I scared the hell out of him :)

perenniallyconfused said...

nice work with the post title..caught my attention immediately (sexually deprived engineering student that I am :D)
the sex-ed class at our school lasted just one day..parents complained that it had warped our fragile little minds :P

Raja said...

That's b.r.i.l.l.i.a.n.t :-)
I should have had discovered your blog long ago

Lazy Pineapple said...

Catlady: heheh yeah....rather I scared the hell out of him :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Radhika : There was nothing brave about it...I did it purely to satisfy my devilish curiosity hehe...Thanks yaar :)

Sunshine Safar : Bhelcum....I knew it :) expecting thrills and chills :P .Go and read the 'about Me' section...and you will know what a 'Lazy Pineapple ' is.

Ankit : Thanks :)

karan a said...

Today's kids ar emuch more informed, smart and bold...

AmitL said...

LOL..you've got to be kidding,LP..you actually tried to teach a modern teen about the birds and the bees? What I'd do is, take a copy of the following mags(Doubtless,he'd have read at least two of them already,albeit,maybe sitting on the potty)...

- FHM
- Cosmopolitan
- Stardust

Voila-a complete education,right from pics to suggestions to variations(in what...LOL..u know)...Wouldn't be surprised if he showed a letter written by him to one of them,too...ROFL.
(BTW, Debonair is nowadays considered a 'tame' mag,at least in Baroda since they went prudish and stopped the centre-spreads(Whew-what a pun)
----
I remember my first 'education'- Sam Fox displaying her,err,self,in the Australian People...was amazed,wondering how everyone fitted...errr..forget it..I'll go read with embarassment,even now,thinking what I thought then!!LOL.

Anonymous said...

...............................................................................................................

Anonymous said...

Honestly, today kids know way more than their parents

Post a Comment