Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Survival

There was sound of labored breathing in her ears. All around her was dark, only the moonlight trickled through the gap in the leaves. The shadows of the trees were like old men with gnarled limbs, frozen in time. The forest floor covered with pine needles muffled her frantic footfalls.

Tracy was running as fast her feet could carry her. She could hear her heart hammering in her ribs. Her breath felt like hot flames. Her throat was parched and the stitch in her side was making her wince with every step.

The forest was thick with pine trees and other trees she could not recognize in the dark. It smelled of damp and rotting leaves. Her heart had missed a beat more than once when a cackling flock of ravens had shattered the silence. The shrieking Ravens had made a sharp increase in her adrenaline making her imagination run as fast as her feet.

Tracy did not know why she was running or from what. She wanted to take a pause and examine her fear. Her rational mind was coaxing her to do it but the fear had taken over and urged her to keep moving. There was an urgency of flight from the unknown. It felt that she had been running for an eternity. Her clothes were drenched with sweat in spite of the chill in the air. She could feel the trickle of blood from the scratches on her arms.

Tracy was running in hope, to reach a highway. She wanted to see another friendly human face. She wanted a warm shower and a soft bed. Her feet were getting tired and the stitch in her side was getting worse. She needed to take a break. She wanted answers for her fear.

She spotted a clearing in the trees and heard the sound of flowing water. Shortly, she came upon a shallow stream. She decided to take a break and quench her thirst. She went on her knees to cup the water in her palms. She leaned over the water and saw her own hazy reflection in the water and it all came rushing back.

She remembered the face, the face of evil. His breath, that stank of death, the lustful eyes, and the rapacious grin on his face. He had powerful hands, with manicured nails that had bruised her body. She saw the swelling on her cheek and heard the ringing of a slap in her head.

Her heart stopped when she remembered the bodies. The bodies had long flowing hair and delicate hands. She remembered the faces of the four women. She vividly remembered sitting at the same table with those bodies. Their faces made up. There lips painted crimson and the nails painted silver. He had made her sit with the corpses for dinner, serving wine and making small talk as an attentive host. Her skin crawled as she realized that she was running for her life.

She quickly finished drinking water and washed her face. Tracy did not hear the snap of a twig. She did not hear the rustle of leaves. The cascading water had masked all the sounds. As Tracy was tying her shoelaces, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She stiffened with fear. She kept praying, turned to face the person, and screamed.

P.S: This is my first hand at a thriller. I think I am bit by the fiction bug. Dear Readers, I want you to suggest an ending to this story. How do you think this story should end?

To find what happened to Tracy, go to Part 2

39 comments:

AmitL said...

Good Heavens...I'd prefer a comedy anyday:) horror and me don't go well together..still,nicely written..let me think of an ending..will let u know.

Anjali said...

Nicely written Vins. Very good description. :)

Quirkyloon said...

Wow. Me likey!

I do like horror and suspense that's not too graphic and this fits the bill.

Ending? Well, I think she sees one of the corpses when she turned around. Well she thought she did and wakes up later in a strange room, to find a nice man caring for her.

Hey! I might like horror, but I still like a happy ending. *smile*

Can't wait to read what you do with this Missy Pineapple!

Haddock said...

Not bad for a first time.

rana said...

Oh my god this was a bit different than the light articles u usually write ...will think and suggest the ending

Ayreej Rahman said...

Now, Let me tell you this!!!
This is a heck of a story!!! It's Dark, It's well written and the flow is abs Perfect!

Now with the ending; Lets Look from the film industry perspective!

Hollywood: What ever happens , How ever far she runs , he always finds her and at the end of the day someone must die - She Dies!

Bollywood- He dies!

and Tollywood : YOu have Rajanikanth :P

Feasible: It depends on what you want it to be- you want to keep it dark till the end, or show somelight at the end and end it as happily!

For eg:
1- The hand could be of a group of campers, who happens to be in the forest camping who eventually helps her out.[ for a happy ending]

2- Or it could be the Guy himself ! [this can go either way, Guy gets killed or the girl]

Well this looks like a perfect plot for a hollywood movie !
Which starts with a note "Based on a true story" and ends with the girl getting killed and the guy walking back into the woods!

anyway It was a great post!!!

Cheers

Smita said...

Very Well written & scary too!!!

The perfectending would be a sad one! Where Tracy gets dumped off !!!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Amit : I know you don't like horror....but this was a thriller. I am waiting for the ending :) Hope your Birthday was great.

Anju: Thanks sis :) too much of reading murder mysteries does that to your brain :P

Quirky : Thanks :) Nice ending....hahah you like zombies and it shows :) I have thought of an ending...will put it up soon :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Haddock : Thanks :)

Rana: ha! Am trying my hand at all genres...experimenting actually :)good to see your comment.

Ayreej: welcome ji...and thanks a lot for your accolades....

OMG...hehehe you have done a thorough analysis...are you into film making?

wow I am impressed at your suggestions and the time you took to write them for me :) I am going to put up an ending soon.

Smita: Thanks dear :) Hope I did not scare you a lot...

Lakshmi Ananthakrishnan said...

Good one...nicely written, you will make a great fiction writer :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Lakshmi: Thanks :)

Vibhuti B said...

Thats superb narration for a first attempt! And you have surely sent a chill down my spine. I think you shouldn't go beyond that thrilling point when Tracy turns to see whose hand it is!
Leave it to the readers imagination to go wild...
:) 2 thumbs up!!

Sharmila Ganguly said...

This is good!

Shipra said...

Wow...Very nicely written i could jus imagine it all...

Gyanban said...

There are multiple ways -
1.supernatural
2.comical
3.gory horror
4.philosophical

either of the themes will carry the story to it s logical conclusion.
Recommend you read Dangle Veils - maybe that narration goes with this story the best.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Vibhuti : Thanks dear :) heheh I am glad I was able to create that effect...I also did not want to dilute the end....so have left it for speculation of the reader.

Sharmila: I am glad you like it :)

Shipra: Thanks dear :)

Gyaanban: Thanks for your ideas for the end :)

Yes many ways to end it....I wanted the narration to be quite descriptive...so that the reader could actually become tracy while reading it :)

Namz said...

:)
write the ending soon .... all eager to get to d end!

Nish said...

Brilliant one LP...

Somehow my mind can churn out only comedy so i dont think i will do justice to the end!

Just for your info yo know what i thought of as end..The girl turns around and screams...the reason being th hand was of her typical bollywoodish Mother-in-law...Dont kil me for that :)

Rajlakshmi said...

that was really scarrryy... well penned... I think the way you ended now itself is wonderful... the story is still haunting in my mind :D

ReformingGeek said...

Whoa! Good job, Pineapple!

Of course the ending must go like this:

"Oh, it's you. I'm so glad you got my message. I am so scared in this creepy forest. Wait. How did you know I would be here? I said to meet me at the....um....WHAT are you doing with that knife?"

Good Luck!

Zabi said...

Freaking awesome.............

I haven't read such a nice blog post in a longtime.. very well written pineapple(funny name...itz ur fav fruit I am guessing :p)..Keep it up. waiting for the ending of this post..

If you ask me for the ending, I'd say

Wake the character up and make her realize that she was just watching a dream and is still locked up. :P. Its a bad ending I know. cuz I am bad writer..

Arjit said...

I liked it, anyway! Though, obviously... you're a first timer - and have many things which you can work upon! -)

Nilesh said...

difficult to compose a suitable end. Would like to read what your version is

AmitL said...

...but it was a scream of relief. It was her school tutor,Mr. Smith-as he explained, he stayed in the vicinity and had heard the sound of someone running and came to investigate who it was. Sobbing with relief, Tracy began walking,slow,laborious steps at first,not believing that her ordeal was over. Mr. Smith took her to his small cottage,where,he explained he'd retired to,and asked her to take a seat while he got her some tea.
----
Tracy sat down, closed her eyes for a few seconds and opened them,feeling a lot more relaxed than she had ever been. She heard the sound of footsteps and turned around to thank Mr. Smith,and what she saw made her scream out louder than she had,earlier- It was the same face,the face of evil-he had taken Mr. Smith's form to deceive her and now, he had changed himself to his true form. Alongwith him,eyes crimson and walking like robots,were the four women whose bodies had been at the table.
---
Knowing that she was trapped, Tracy closed her eyes,hoping the nightmare would pass,but,knowing fully well that soon,she would be made a part of the four-lady corpse quartet.
----
And,that was when she felt someone shaking her-screaming,she opened her eyes-it was her Mother,who was wondering why she was perspiring so much in her sleep. Tracy,crying tears of happiness,said a silent prayer and resolved never to eat Rajma-chawal for dinner,ever again!

MADHU RAO | (INDImag.COM) said...

That was very good for a first attempt :-) . It was short, had focus and kept at it.

Will refrain from suggesting an ending ; want to see what you come up with ..

You write well.

Nalini Hebbar said...

great read...you maintained the tempo till the end...hope you find a fitting end.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Namz: Ha! there are so many ending people have suggested that I don't know how to end it now :)

Nish: Thanks :) hehhe the MIL ending will be so damn funny.....

Rajlakshmi: Oh wow...I am glad I got the desired effect...hope you don't get nightmares :)

Zabi: OMG am so flattered *blush*....hmmm another good suggestion for the ending :)

Arjit: hey.....do you have any suggestions on how I can improve...

Nilesh: hmmm yes plan to write soon :)

Amit: whoa!! fantastic suggestions and all of them so apt...I was actually planning to end it with your 4th suggestion :) afterall a humor blog it is...

Madhu: Thanks Madhu :)

Nalini: Thanks a lot :) I am thinking of it...will put it up soon.

Lazy Pineapple said...

Reforming Geek : hehehe...loved your suggestion....

Anirban said...

How about an anti-climax and nothing happens?

AmitL said...

Incidentally,you could also use all four paras as a single continued story,did you notice?:)

Phoenixritu said...

Dark, edgy and awesome! You could give it a vampire or zombie kind of angle too. I love getting spooked :P

Lazy Pineapple said...

Anirban: hmmm I am not writing an end...will keep the readers guessing :)

Phoenix: Thanks :) hmmm well I leave that to your imagination....

Ayreej Rahman said...

The reason behind me taking time to Write all that is ;
I liked,the plot has good potentials!

Yea , Complete it!
even if you dont, this looks nice!

First person thrillers are always!
;-)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Ayreej: I plan to leave the ending as it is....keep the readers guessing :)

Lazy Pineapple said...

Ayreej: I plan to leave the ending as it is....keep the readers guessing :)

Namz said...

:)
write the ending soon .... all eager to get to d end!

Lazy Pineapple said...

Lakshmi: Thanks :)

Haddock said...

Not bad for a first time.

wannabauthor said...

No wonder i havent seen this post earlier...This was before my blog was born, and before it fell in luv wid ur blog ..LOL
The part abt the sliver nails n crimson lips had me cringing inside.That too corpses...shudder!
I am d sorta person who felt like throwing up for 2 days after watching 'Hostel-part1'..so goriness is just not me.
The ending obviously is a very tuf decision cos ya I gues she has to die. N thats so unfair..
AmitL's rajma comment had me laughing clutching my sides..hehehe
I liked the story bcos the purpose is served. I felt the desperation and fear was der...but it did lack a finesse. Like tiny details needed to be explained better.
But thats me..jus another amateur here. BTW, the villian had a thing for crimson lips eh? :P

Just now saw a Part 2 ..off 2 read that

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